Reading A boy made of blocks about how a father gets to cope with his autistic son made me think again about myself. Of course when I was a boy there was no such thing as autism - it hadn't been invented. Sufferers were diagnosed otherwise e.g. introverted, unsociable, selfish...
Today we went shopping at Chermside, a huge shopping mall in Brisbane. Typically both K and A managed to purchase almost the whole shebang whilst I came away with nothing. At one stage I was sent off by K to find A who was in another store a ways away called Daiso - I couldn't find Daiso and no-one I asked had heard of it: I could feel panic arising - like, what if I can find neither K nor A; what if people think I am senile (they probably do anyway)? Needless to say I eventually succeeded in my mission but it made me think.
Some sites maintain that every one of us is on the autistic spectrum: We all experience key symptoms 'just to varying degrees' whilst another site decries this saying any such admission depends on redefining autism. I decided to take an online test and got the result of: A higher than average score that is above the clinical threshold. 80% of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or above in this test like you, but that score doesn't mean you definitely have autism. Thus I might or might not be autistic. I admit that my answers to some of the questions might have been a bit biased because I know what I would like to be, but it looks like I definitely am at least something.
I am of course painfully aware of Jerome K Jerome's self diagnosis - but another malady I might suffer is dyslexia (which I can spell with the help of Google) about which I have posted before - particularly when it comes to strings of characters e.g. a telephone number or an order-code. I can attempt to memorise a written string in order to type it on the computer only to be fully aware that I cannot recall which order the characters come. If I were to make the mistake unwittingly it would be one thing but I am actually aware that the characters have somehow got out of order in that brief time they were held in my mind. This problem occurs mostly with digits but can also affect my spelling for which I am notorious. Although prevalent, I have learned to manage my "dyslexia" e.g. by splitting a telephone number into several manageable parts and transfer part by part, or using a spell-checker. A plain dictionary fails when I cannot even think how the first few letters of a word go, and sometimes I am so far out that even the Google search engine fails to recognise it!
So I took an online test and got a score of 140, where:
A negative score (less than zero) = Very low possibility of dyslexia
0 – 75 = Moderate possibility of dyslexia
76 – 150 = Strong possibility of dyslexia
Above 150 = Very strong possibility of dyslexia
If your score indicated a strong possibility of dyslexia you may want to consider being fully diagnosed by an educational psychologist. Er... no.
So what? you ask. The what is fear, guilt and embarrassment e.g. when I fail to recall someone's name, of when I fail to do the accepted small-talk thing, or when I feel just so very different to what I perceive to be average. Sure, there's good reason for anyone to try to overcome their limitations and this I do to varying degrees. Like when I draw a diagram of a conference table and try to write down delegate's names as they stand up and announce themselves: in this task I rarely have time to do the job properly and anyway the whole thing is upset once the delegates leave the table and start to mingle.
As a child I have a strong memory of my mother driving my older sister and me to one of her friend's birthday party and on arriving I would not even get out of the car. I threw such a paddy that my mother eventually gave up and took me home. I have always hated parties - I mean - what are parties for? True there is the remote possibility of nice things to eat but in such surroundings? And thus I never had either my own 18th or 21st birthday party.
I cannot and have no desire to dance. I do not enjoy either watching or participating in competitive sport. I will play but am not good at word games like Scrabble or Boggle. I cannot act on stage or impersonate. And yet as a teenager I sang a duet, and on another occasion a solo, in a school concert, and was applauded. I could do this because I enjoy singing and thus it was "me" and whilst doing it in front of the audience I was not performing, I was being me (although the initial having to stand up in front was scary).
Which is why I like running barefoot alone. Now I have mostly overcome the strange comments I can be myself, have time to think, no pressure to perform or compete, no need to remember strings or how to spell. No need to talk. No need to try to be someone I am not.
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